I hate these nights when I can't stop thinking in order to go to bed. I can't stop yawning and I'm exhausted but you know how it is when your mind starts going down the worry road right? Everyone has experienced this. Tonight it is because I am worried about what people think. I'm sad that I have learned since my diagnosis that very few people care about me.
I am worried about tomorrow morning. It is our local swim meet here in town and I am worried about how I will handle it. I am supposed to help volunteer for it and I'm scared that it is going to be too hard. I'm scared to see the looks of disgust on people's faces if I have to leave early etc. My daughter has been in swim team for 9 years, been there... done that right so I should be able to handle it right? Wrong! Last summer was awful for me and I only went to two meets but that was before my diagnosis and made a whole lot of sense as to why I felt crummy last summer once I was diagnosed.
Anyways I am worried about this weekend because last weekend I felt like an idiot. Everytime I try to talk to any of the swim team parents I feel like an idiot. I do not know how to express in words what is really going on with me. It ends up making me feel worthless, a complainer, or someone seeking attention. I had not gone to see my counselor in the last few months because I thought I had reached a better acceptance level, however, after last weekends swim meet I went to see my counselor and cried over the events of the weekend. See there is a swim team dad who has cancer and my heart truly truly aches for him and I am so glad that he has the support of his wife and parents to be there and help him. Here I am on my own... me... I try my best but sometimes I just wish there was someone here to help drive my daughter to her sporting events, school events, etc etc. I hate that when I mentioned how fatigued I was or how hot I was etc, that I felt like people were rolling their eyes at me for complaining. At one point last weekend (Sunday after check-out for the hotel) I was so fatigued that I actually went and slept in the car with the windows rolled down baking in the heat. See the fatigue is not just from the heat... it just is because sometimes... and also it was because I was around a whole lot of people with a lot of activity going on and that is taxing on the energy sources.
I hate that I feel so very alone most of the time because so very very few people in my life have taken the time to even ask me or read up on MS.
So tonight is a depression night, a worry night... and I will shed a few more tears to help me go to sleep. Tomorrow and the next day will come and I will just do what is best for me.
Do I just shout out "Do you not realize that if I do too much and push too hard that I run the risk of more lesions popping up on my brain????"!! I want to scream at people to stop talking badly about me or rolling their eyes at me, etc. I think EVIL EVIL thoughts in these times and wish upon them that they experience my life and see for themselves just how it feels..... shame shame on me I know.
Tonight I am scared, mad, depressed, fed up and just tired of living ........ but really who in my life knows that is how I feel? MS SUCKS! My life has forever changed...... I know that inside I am a better person with better understanding and a deeper caring for people... I know that MS has blessed me in some ways...... but I hate how all I do is hide out in my home and hermit myself now because I am scared of what people think of me, what people say about me etc.
Well... just had a dizzy spell so guess I'm pushing myself way to hard so I will be done with my pity party rant and just go off to bed.
Last thought: When I was diagnosed I talked to my brother and his words have haunted me and stayed with me now almost nightly: "Nobody will go to your funeral when you die, nobody cares about you."
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1 comment:
Hi Kimberly!
My name is Tara and I was diagnosed 2 and a half years ago but have been fighting this for over 3 years. I know that you posted this a few weeks ago and I am hoping things are getting easier for you. However I have been where you have been and we both will continue to have times where we will feel this way again. Remember that you are not alone. Also know that you will continue to have good days, bad days and horrible days. On the good days enjoy them to the fullest on the bad days just relax and give your body the time it needs to rest and relax. On your horrible days try to be mad and angry with the disease not the world. Most people will never understand Multiple Sclerosis nor will they try because most of the symptoms are invisible to the outside world. Yes your life has changed dramatically. Don't let this disease beat you down or win. You need to stay very strong and willing to fight this disease. Even though it is sad how our lives are changed by this diagnosis. The changes are not always bad. You will have to learn to take time for yourself, you will find inner strength that you may not have never known that you had, and you will have more compassion for others and life in general. Most people go through life only caring about themselves and petty things. Until one day they are hit with a diagnosis or their family member will or a tragic thing. Until that day those people will not truly understand what you are going through. You on the other hand will now be able to comfort and understand what others are feeling and going through when something happens to them.
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